On the otherday when I was in shopping, I saw a mother and son duo doing their grocery shopping. Their kart is full of groceries, home decor, biscuits etc.
In the stationery section, the son saw a small cute book of Rs.15 worth. He asked his mother , she said delibratly a NO, "why do you want all these?" She was very furious. The little boys face went very sad and angry, immediately he shouted at her and started to cry.
This reminded something of me few years ago. When we go some where or when we are at home also I used to say "NO" frequently. Unconciously I used to say. Whatever she does or asks I say NO.
When she jumps from bed, I say No
When she asks for a toy, I say No
When she throws something on the floor, I say No
When she asks for some water for painting, I say No
I used to say No just because what if she spills, made dirty, hurt herself, asks more costly items, destroys a good toy, these were my concerns. However the response NO, increased her tantrums.
She thought of I am resisting her every desire and made an impression that I always say No to anything.
One day I read an amazing book called " Your child is your parent" written by Manoj J Lekhi.
This book discuss about YES Parenting. This book has changed my way of talking to my child. Unconsciously I did more No than Yes. For her small tasks, small desires I started saying yes.
If she spills something or if she is trying to break a toy, made dirty, asks something costly I stopped saying No, and giving a reaction. Took 2,3 seconds gap and made my reaction accordingly with a normal tone.
If she asks for some flour to make a dough, or she wants to help in kitchen, I wouldnt deny her because she will lose her enthusiasm. Similarly for things like helping in kitchen with shelf organisation, running around the house, she may get hurt or make mess, but its not more than her joy.
If she asks for a toy, I say "Yes..but...." or "Yes..Instead you can choose..."
This kind of change in vocabulary made her tantrums less.
I found what triggers her more. During shopping, if she asks for a less amount of thing like a 10rs notepad, or 50rs stickey notes I started to say yes. I know it will go waste, but when compared to her tantrum, it is better.
I am not saying to buy everything they want. But saying yes to small things periodically, will change their mindset and decrease their tantrums.
If you think anyway your house will be mess, then there is no problem of giving them some pulses for her play kitchen.
If you think that 50Rs won't change your budget much then there is no problem of having one more cellotape.
If you think the kid didn't had an ice-cream from a long time, whats is the problem of taking her to an ice-cream parlour.
After all they are kids! They are messy, loud, speak their mind.
Moreover, the kids are more intelligent than you. If you say no and because of their tantrum, you say yes, which gives them a signal that "my parents have a breakpoint and I need to crack it"
This is what we dont need. As a parent we need to have our power for our NO.
Even we say No, we need to say that in a normal voice, that why you cant give that and replacement for their desire.
My intension is not saying Yes or No everytime. It differs from family to family.
Know your child, know their triggers, know their mentality. Make an impression that yes means yes, no means no.
No yes after a no
No no after an yes.
Happy motherhood!!
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